Lipreading at work

Deborah Tannen, author of “You just don’t understand, Women and Men in Conversation” (1991) about mis-communication between men and women, also wrote “Talking from 9 to 5. How women’s and men’s conversational styles affect who gets heard, who gets credit, and what gets done at work” (1994). The book describes the different communication styles of men versus women, in working environments. Although her data were mostly collected in offices in the USA, some of her observations may have a wider validity and may explain some of the problems that lipreaders and people with hearing problems in general, experience in work situations.

Tannen’s main message is that conversation is a ritual, with  unwritten rules and subconscious expectations. When someone does not play according to these unwritten rules, we experience cognitive dissonance.  My word, not Tannen’s. What happens is not what you expect to happen. So you have to do some thinking. Were your expectations wrong, is the other  person wrong, or is there something else that can explain what just happened? Very often, our response is emotional:  “This is not fair!” Or, in Tannen’s terms who describes conversations at work mostly in game-like terms: it’s a one-down. Usually, feelings are hurt. The result: consciously or subconsciously the person  affected will try to get even, and/or will try to avoid further conversations with the person who caused the cognitive dissonance.

This happens between men and women at work. Different rules, different expectations, resulting in different subgroups. Different subgroups, each with their own conversational rituals.

This happens in meetings and in employee-employer talks. But as Tannen writes “On the job, the meat of the work that has to be done is held together, made pleasant and possible, by the ketchup, relish, and bun of conversational rituals.” (page 43)

“Talk at work is not confined to talk about work. Many moments are spent in casual chat that establishes the friendly working environment that is the necessary backdrop to getting work done. (..) Both women and men know that their small talk is just that – “small” compared to the “big” talk about work – but differences in small-talk habits can become very big when they get in the way of the easy day-to-day working relationships that make us feel comfortable at work and keep the lines of communication open for the big topics when they arise.” (page 64)

And that’s exactly where lipreaders, and people with hearing problems in general, will get in trouble. They may manage in 1-1 "big-talk", factual communication about work, when context, speaker, and conversational rituals are familiar and fairly predictable. They get the hamburger, but not  the ketchup, relish or bun. Colleagues meet in groups, near the coffee machine, smoking outside, in the cafeteria. The lipreader who tries to blend in there notices too late who is speaking, doesn’t know the context, misses the clue of the joke and laughs too late. Or: asks someone to repeat what was said. Or: responds with a remark that doesn’t fit the ritual. Or: tries to monopolize the conversation, because when you talk, you don’t have to listen. In all cases: rituals broken, cognitive dissonance, hurt feelings.

The lipreader may blame the others: they forget that I’m hard-of-hearing, they never take my needs into account, why can’t they speak one at a time, take their cigarettes out of their mouths, turn down the background music. Or: depending on the lipreader’s personality and/or frame of mind at the time, the lipreaders blames him-/herself: Stupid me! Next time, I will stay at my desk. Or at home.

One of the problems is that these rituals are automatic, subconscious. The other person may remember that the lipreader has ‘special needs’ for a week, or a day, or 2 minutes, but – especially in conversational speech – will quickly go back on automatic pilot, and forget to speak clearly.

Lipreaders shouldn’t be surprised. It’s what they do themselves. You’d expect lipreaders to be very good lipspeakers. Because they know first-hand how important it is to speak clearly, one at a time, in well organized messages. Yes, dear lipreader, you may think that that is what you do. But please ask another lipreader for more objective feedback

And yes, people with hearing problems are partly to blame, themselves. They hide their hearing aids, they get upset when someone speaks very – slowly – or – VERY LOUDLY especially for them, because they so desperately want to be seen as ‘normal’. Whatever that is.

Men AND women, hearing AND not hearing: don’t let your emotions take over when someone breaks a ritual! Cognitive dissonance is good! It makes  you – and the other person – switch off the automatic pilot, it makes you a more aware participant. Real-life differences feed your brain!

PS: Small-talk solutions?

• Befriend your colleagues on Facebook and regularly check their pages;
•  Become the editor of a weekly or monthly company newsletter or company bulletin board and ask everyone to mail you their small and big news;
• Find a buddy who will keep you updated;
• Decide - and explain to your colleagues – that, because of your hearing problems and/or personality, you don’t do small talk. Several deaf people who were finally able to hear "small-talk" after receiving a Cochlear Implant report their disappointment: "Is that all hearing people talk about?"  Yes, it is. Small-talk is mostly a feel-good ritual. It's not hamburger, it's ketchup.